A friend once encouraged my husband and I to take our children on regular dates – and in the early years of parenting, when we lived in a small town in Western Nebraska, it was fairly doable. We learned that a walk around the block could be a date; a trip to the hardware store could be a date; a library visit could be a date. Of course with busy work schedules, frequent sicknesses, and the regular ups and downs of family life, one-on-one time may not have happened as often as we wished; but when it did happen, we noticed that each of our two daughters would just light up when they knew they had Mommy or Daddy’s undivided attention.
Now that our children are getting bigger (and there are three of them), I feel the tide of the culture pulling against the fibers that make us a family. Get busy, the world around us says. They need friends and activities more than they need you, my inner doubter says.
Of course our children do enjoy friends and activities – but God’s Word has something to say about a parent’s role in a child’s life. “Imprint these words of mine on your hearts and minds…Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up” (Deut. 11:18-19). Sometimes growth and good conversations happen when we’re all together, as a family. Yet when I think about the stories of discipleship in Scripture, I want to slow down. I see that Jesus took time to sit with those who needed Him most – the woman at the well, Zacchaeus, Nicodemus. Some of our best conversations will happen in these one on one settings.
And when I wonder what special time with each child should look like, I look to the verse that has adorned our wall since that first snowy winter in Nebraska: “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Col. 3:12).
Choosing Our Children
It is such a comfort to know that I am not commanded to love out of a dry and empty state. I can only love because I’ve been so dearly loved. When I remember how Christ chose me, it becomes easier to choose my children. Mothers and fathers are all juggling so many things these days – good things, like work, ministry, community and family. But, there must be some time when we put down (or turn off) all other pursuits, so we can fully choose our children. This can be as simple as pulling one child aside to read a book before dinner. Or sitting with my daughter while she practices piano instead of using that time to wash the dishes. Or saying “yes” to jumping in that leaf pile with my little one.
Regular Dates (compassion)
If I could, I would take each of my children on a mommy date every week. But since that goal is a little too lofty, my husband and I set aside one afternoon each week for one parent to take one child on a date. This actually isn’t a time to reward good behavior, or even to remember whose “turn” it is. This is a time set aside for the child who needs it the most that week.
We know that there will be meltdowns and sibling rivalry; we know that it often seems like our children take turns playing the “difficult” (for lack of a better word) child. It is easier to meet the one who’s struggling in the midst of their need, if we budget for that time in advance. Setting aside time for a child who’s hurting is one way we can give compassion to our children.
Mommy Stations (kindness)
Writing it down, it looks so silly – “Mommy Stations” – and yet, I don’t know if there’s anything my children love more. On a particularly rough day, I announced to my children that Mommy Stations would be held on the front porch and they would each have a ten-minute turn. My big girl opted to paint our toenails and look at a magazine. My son wanted to just snuggle in the sun together. It’s not what we’re doing that matters. It’s the fact that we are giving each other the gift of self – one of the kindest gifts we can offer.
Listening (humility)
When I think of humility, I think of listening. How many of us, when we were children, would have loved to have a parent hunker down at our eye-level and simply listen to whatever was on our minds? A child’s thoughts and worries are profound to him, even if they do not seem so to us. Sometimes it’s next to impossible to lay aside the teaching moments, forget about the little failures of the day, and just listen. But if we can begin early to cultivate that habit, that art, of humble listening, perhaps we can not only make little deposits of value in our child’s heart, but also establish trust so that he will continue sharing with us in his later years.
One Word (gentleness)
It was last year, on a day when I was feeling really overwhelmed, that I asked the Lord, “Can you give me one special word for each child? One thing that they really need?” I wanted to know that if I forgot the laundry, if I forgot to pack their backpacks, if I forgot about the dentist appointment, but I remembered this One Thing, that we would still be ok. I’ve been surprised by the ideas He puts on my heart when I ask this question. He may impress upon me a verse of Scripture for each child, or just a simple word, like “Play,” “Read,” or “Laugh.” I’ll write the words down someplace I won’t forget them – and when I read them, they help me to slow down, to take a deep breath, to remember a gentle way to reach the heart of each child.
Don’t Expect Too Much (patience)
Of all the sections in this article, this is the one I need to preach to myself the most. In all my fears of failure, I’ve worried too much about being a good mom. We need to remember that God has patience with us. He does not ask us at the end of each day, “How much have you done?” He simply waits with open arms to tell us we are loved. I may not think that the ways I served my family were enough today, but all the little moments of connection add up to a life.
There’s an old adage that goes something like: “Be careful if you pray for patience. God will only give you something to be patient about.” But I wonder if this is Scriptural, considering that Patience is a fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22). Surely we can trust in Christ, if we come to Him in prayer, that He has ears to listen, a heart to give, and a bounty of patience to give for His children, young and old.
There must be some time when we put down (or turn off) all other pursuits, so we can fully choose our children. Click To Tweet
