The path to JOY is simple, right? Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last. While that may be an easy alliteration, there are few as cringe-worthy as this one. I simply couldn’t disagree with it more wholeheartedly. Someone along the way penned this idea, and rather than it remaining their own description of spiritual formation (which perhaps they needed), it became the prescription for all. I often refer to this as the description-to-prescription fallacy; its everywhere. This particular quip even has the sound of being radical: in our selfie culture to put “yourself last” is definitely a bold counter-intuitive call. But, while it may be a helpful course corrective for a few, there is much more to the story.
This catchy alliteration that you may find etched onto a piece of barn wood or on a Sunday school flannel graph offers little about what Jesus is calling us toward when he said, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39). As Jesus’ words often do, they provide a way forward that sits well within us, while simultaneously calling us to nuance our life in a way that we hadn’t previously considered. His words consistently move beyond behavioral adjustment into the heart of what is motivating us. That’s exactly what is happening here, and why the aforementioned path to JOY sounds radical, but ultimately lacks the staying power we need for the long walk of faith.
The Spirituality of Inner Resources
The early years of my own faith in college and my early to mid twenties were formed by a strong outward spirituality. One in which I served others, and a place where, truthfully, I found much joy. However, at some point along the way, I found the inner well dry up. I knew a lot about loving Jesus and serving others, and even prayer and study, but self-love/self-care was, at best, ignored or, at worst, labeled as self-absorbed, and those who could go without it were hailed as the pinnacle of “spiritual.” As a young adult woman, who wanted to radically follow Christ, I felt caught between a church who wouldn’t allow me to truly mature and a life that necessitated it. While the church encouraged me to love the marginalized, I wasn’t encouraged or taught to love the margins of my own soul. My ability to love my neighbor was now hinging on my willingness to love myself, but no one told me such. For many years, my ability to serve waned and my self-worth dipped, and I remember feeling a deep curiosity about what was going on in my life and why.
I was fascinated by Jesus’ willingness to help people who had so little and wanted so much from him. He didn’t even have much himself, materially speaking. Where did these inner resources come from? I know he was God, but he was also human with very real needs, and I was deeply interested in his personal capacity.
During this season of my life, I remember sitting on my bed reading Scripture. I came across familiar words in John’s Gospel, and they struck me anew. He writes these words in John 13:3-5, “Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet…” The words “so” and “therefore” in this passage are connected to what comes before and after them, so let’s slow down and pay attention. It seems that Jesus getting up from his meal to wash his disciples feet was directly related to the fact that he knew his power, he knew where he came from, and he knew where he was going.
There is an unshakeable tone in this sentence of inner resources that Jesus had, which opened him up to do the jobs no one else would do. I wondered if in all of his retreating into silence and solitude, his very self had found peace in the love of the Father and was freed to love just as he had been loved. Jesus truly loves his neighbor just as he loves himself. Shortly thereafter, I began taking annual multi-day solitude retreats to encounter this same loving presence that Jesus encountered. Fifteen years later, this practice continues to transform the way I understand the relationship between self-love and loving my neighbor.
A Symbiotic Relationship
When we consider the state of our politics, the greed, pride, power grabbing, and the name-calling, it’s worth pausing to consider – are these individuals simply loving their neighbor, exactly as they love themselves? Meaning with impatience, disregard, and without enough inner resource to serve. If these same individuals were to encounter the depths of their own self in silence or solitude, would they be able to attend to their own soul with anything other than impatience and disregard? I wonder if some of what Jesus is calling us toward is a symbiotic relationship between self-love and neighbor love? Maybe noticing the way we love (or fail to love) our neighbor could give us insight into our own self-care, and vice versa.
We could easily ask “but what about people who spend all their money or time on themselves and never regard the needs of others? Isn’t that loving themselves more than they love their neighbor?” This is an important question too, but it comes from a narrow idea of love, particularly Christ-centered love. I mean, is perpetual self-indulgence really self-love at all, or is it a distorted place of insufficiency and worry that lends toward taking rather than trusting, and consumption rather than presence?
A soul that has been well-listened to, can listen well. A soul that has been well-loved has inner resources to love well. These are needs we can attend to within ourselves in silence and solitude. These are also needs we can notice and bring to community. “I need to be heard. Please be gentle, I feel fragile.” “I am so frustrated I cannot come up with solutions myself, but would you listen and help me?” “I’m hurt by this person so much, can you listen to me vent and help me find the wise way forward?” When we attend to our own needs, we are filled up to attend to the needs of others, and may become even more aware of the different needs around us.
When you encounter those who are “other,” different, socially awkward, even offensive, consider your initial response. What would it look like to spend enough time with ourselves in gentle awareness and God’s presence to notice the awkward places within? To become curious about our own offensive thoughts and compulsions? To care for that part within us that is different or even awkward in ways only we know? What would it look like to open up these places in the presence of Love itself and be known and loved? Might that, over time, increase our own capacities for loving our neighbor as we learn to love ourselves? We may still need a 3-step plan for some practical ideas, but we no longer need to prescribe a 3-step plan to love our neighbors, for love is very truly now written on our hearts (Jeremiah 31:33). Even neuroscience and the study of neuroplasticity would confirm our private practices inescapably impact our outward lives.
A goal for us as believers is to be rooted in Christ-soaked self-acceptance and self-love. When we know where we’ve come from, who we are, and where we are going, we can love well, we serve wholeheartedly, and we can be present – with love – to all persons just as they are. That is a beautiful picture of true joy and radical love.
A soul that has been well-listened to, can listen well. A soul that has been well-loved has inner resources to love well. Click To Tweet
